A Candy Corn Conspiracy

Dear Reader, 41rjnftvvcl_sl500_ss100_12

While I focused on the United States’ economic future, alternative energy sources, and the health benefits of serving Tofurky roast with Thanksgiving dinner, candy distributors staged a candy corn shortage. They shut down candy corn silos, posted armed guards at their corporate gates, and left candy corn addicts to fend for themselves.

And they’re feeling it… bad.

Last week a “friend” of mine got so desperate she rifled through 10 King Sooper shopping carts full of Peeps, Mike and Ikes, masks, and other Halloween rejects, only to see a stray kernel of corn on the floor, which she scooped up and popped in her mouth. Then she scoured every aisle of Sprouts for the missing barrel of bulk candy corn that was parked by the checkouts the week before.

After that she went to Walgreens and accused the employees of holding out on her. She demanded they clear their Christmas candy displays and reveal their cache of candy corn. They refused. The same thing happened at Safeway and Target, but they escorted her to the door with a warning never to return. I’ve never seen her this desperate. Desperate.

And I’m so upset I hope the candy corn conspirators choke on their succulent wedges of corn syrup, sugar, honey, and food coloring. I hope they choke good.

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